You are Powerful. You are Beautiful. You are a Warrior!

Yesterday we stopped for dinner on the mad dash to get to our weekly Civil Air Patrol meeting. Of course the service at the restaurant was unusually slow. How could we possibly expect anything else? We were in a rush. 

However, the extra time it granted us gave me the opportunity to "people watch". As I was scanning the room trying to occupy my time an elderly woman caught my eye. I watched as she boxed up her leftovers, immediately noticing her hands as they came in to view. "She must have Rheumatoid Arthritis..", I thought to myself. Surprisingly, I didn't feel pity or sorrow for her even though I know the struggle. I felt love for her and I was awed by how beautiful her painfully twisted hands were. I was awed with the confidence that shined from her. She still wore beautiful jewelry. She still had a lovely manicure. She still carried herself with grace and a smile for those around her. It made me take pause. Why do I feel this way about her hands yet I am disgusted by my own? I don't look at my hands and think they are beautiful or powerful. I often try to hide them from view or just not look at them. I no longer get manicures. I no longer attempt pretty jewelry. I do everything I can to keep them from view. For what? I've earned these hands after 33 years of pain. I should be proud of what I can still do after all of these years. Not ashamed. 

Seeing that stranger was a much needed, gentle reminder to not be so hard on myself. My pain may be a glimmer of hope for another who is fighting the same battle.

My hands are nothing to be ashamed of and if you suffer with the same complications from this disease know that your hands are nothing to be ashamed of either. We have fought an unending battle with our own bodies. We are warriors.

We ARE powerful. We ARE beautiful. Our hands are the beauty, the strength, the grace & the hope another RA warrior needs to see.

Negativity. Not Mine but Theirs.

This life is a journey. My journey. It's our journey. With social media it's also their journey and their journey becomes intertwined with ours. Their journeys, the people we have allowed into our life directly or indirectly, impact our journey. So how are they impacting us and how are we impacting them? 

As most people with an autoimmune disease (and many others) know, stress has a huge impact on our bodies. It seems like those little cells in our bodies latch on to the bad. The pain, the hurt, the fear... Whatever is approaching us at that moment. They latch on and they use those stressors as fuel to wreak havoc on ourselves. 

There are some things we can not change. Our life happens and we have to deal with that to the best of our abilities. Their life happens too. We can filter out some of it but inevitably little things are going to slip through. Little things that are unknowingly feeding those juvenile delinquent cells and sometimes, a lot of times actually, we don't notice. Their stress is starting to feed our stress and our stress is surely feeding theirs. 

Little things turn into big things when they aren't even our things to worry about. And it's not just negativity. What can be positive for one maybe isn't positive for another. 

Every morning before work I'd sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee while scrolling through my Facebook feed. Every morning I'd start my day reading about their days. Some good, some bad.. But not mine, not ours, theirs. From strangers on local news feeds, to friends and family. 

For every good/happy/neutral post there are a handful of negative/angry/worrisome/sexual/hypocritical posts. Garbage. Garbage that I let into my life. That we let into our lives numerous times throughout the day. 

In my case, I was constantly being sucked in. On trips, at dinner, while exercising, during work. It's too much. I finally realized I need to worry about my life. Not theirs. We need to worry about us. Not them. 

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and their stress is just adding fuel to my stress. So I'm taking a break from my personal Facebook (I'm still here for my RA community). I know I'll be back because I love connecting with my family and friends but for now I need to take a step back and let their lives drain away from mine. 

Within days it has already made a huge positive impact on me emotionally. I feel stronger and less strung out as I start my day. I have more time to get things accomplished. I have more time to spend an extra hour in bed on the weekends with my husband talking and watching tv. I have more time to focus on my life. More time to remember who I am instead of dwelling on who they are. 

This journey we are on is ours. It's our life,

Not theirs. 

Choices, Decisions, Reflections

This morning was a reflection morning. A morning where you find yourself contemplating the choices and decisions you have made in your short lifetime. The choices and decisions others have made and how they have affected you. 

A morning where you wonder if a different choice had been made how different would our lives be? How different would the lives of those around us be? Would I even have this stupid disease? Would my daughter have been bullied? Would my marriage be as strong as it is? Would the lives we touched in a positive way still be on a better path? What about those we didn't impact? Could we have made a difference? 

So many thoughts and questions rolled through my mind as I rolled along. Listening to music, observing the sunrise, and clearing my mind. 

After all that reflection I do know this...

Your choices and decisions don't just define YOU they impact those around you. Especially the children. Maybe you can see it, maybe you can't, but it's still happening. It's still happening and those choices are something that will stay with those children for the rest of their lives AND impact the choices THEY will make in the future. Sometimes for better. Sometimes for worse. What impact are you having on those around you? 

Are you vulgar, judgmental, selfish, racist, absent?

Are you kind, understanding, present, concerned, caring? 

What are you doing? Are you happy with your choices and decisions? Are you proud of how they are impacting those around you?

We all make mistakes and we all make poor choices and decisions but maybe if we think of those around us, those connected to us first, maybe then we can avoid some of those inevitable decisions that leave a painful impact on those who love us. Those who love us despite our choices and decisions, but those who are impacted nonetheless.